Showing posts with label Waffles Report. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Waffles Report. Show all posts

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Waffles Report: Next Come The Chips

Very scary ruling about cell phones.

Police do not need a warrant to trace your location through your phone. I joke around that the chip implant is next... but they might not even need it.

Have you walked down a public streets lately?

EVERYONE is face down in their phones. Nobody can bear to be away from their phones for more than a few seconds. So, perhaps the implant is not necessary.

I think it is probable that the powers that be have just used brainwashing techniques to make sure you never put your phone down.

Scary times if you do not want to be found. Lucky for me, I do not have a cell phone.

Click here to read more issues of the Waffles Report.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Waffles Report: Megacorporation Police Tactics

Have any of you seen the raid on Kim Dotcom's house?

If you have not followed the story you may be more aware of It was a file sharing or "piracy" site. Basically it let you download pirated music, software, and the like according to the FBI.

Apparently the FBI used the excuse of "Mega Destroy Bomb that Instantly can wipe out any server." These are the same tactics that they used to keep Kevin Mitnick locked up without his constitutional rights. They basically lied and said if Mitnick could reach any phone he could shutdown any server in the US and cause massive damage. Now, they just call it "Mega explody server bomb" because they do not even have to make this shit sound good anymore.

Is anyone else concerned that the business interests of the United States can corrupt, or even worse, out-right own the FBI? This corruption probably spreads to the CIA and the local police forces via the political payoffs. Just because a record executive suit does not like a computer geek, they unleash a huge SWAT raid against his house. Meanwhile, the servers for his company were already confiscated long before this. So, this magical, mystical explody bomb was going to be triggered on servers in some FBI lab miles away? Really?

Next time you're late on your VISA payment do not be surprised if the SWAT team storms your house, smashes your windows, kicks your ass and breaks all your stuff. The corporations have taken over the long arm of the law in the United States, and how they manipulate that power is up to them. It is ridiculous that we the Sheeple allow this corruption to happen.

Click here to read more issues of the Waffles Report.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Waffles Report: The Swarm

I do not know if I should be amazed at this awesome technology or in fear of government controlled death swarms of insects. I mean, wow. The government has made tiny, mosquito insect drones that can spy on us... or inject poisons into our systems.

Who can say they have not tested these in America?

I mean, all of the sudden we started get this "West Nile Virus" showing up in New England. First off why would a tropical disease appear so far north? Albeit there have been more reasonable outbreaks in the south. You do not have to use fast acting poison right? Just inject some "West Nile" like symptoms into people and nobody is going to know the difference.

Do not be surprised to see future protests put down this way. Imagine if you could fly one of these things to an occupy protest and knock of the main leaders without bringing any suspicion on you. You could avoid all the bad press the cops get for beating the shit out of innocent people. Just a little stick from these killer assassins and your problems go away.

I think I will go with afraid over amazed.

Click here to read more issues of the Waffles Report.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Waffles Report: Fake Alien Invasion

I have been enjoying reading my compatriots reports of a possible fake alien invasion. I was a little saddened that they are missing the point. As we used to say in my poker game, it is "level one" thinking, when you consider what cards are in your hands. As you progress, you start thinking what cards does my opponent think I have in my hand, and continue further development up the scale of thinking about the game.

So what everyone fails to think about is "Why would the government want to stage a fake alien invasion?"

There is obviously one good reason for this: Aliens are ready to reveal themselves.

I think we have to consider a "fake" alien invasion as a marketing survey. The government will stage an alien invasion or encounter and then gauge how the world reacts to it. If there is widespread panic and mass systematic shutdown of the Sheeple society, then the government can reveal this was a fraudulent alien hoax! The aliens and the government can then figure out how to smooth over the transition of our society from xenophobic morons to productive intergalactic member.

Click here to read more issues of the Waffles Report.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Waffles Report: Red Dawn

Holy crap have you read that the latest immigration statistics say that Asians are the number one immigrant population now. Specifically mentioned are Chinese immigrants.

Does anyone have bad flashback to Red Dawn here?

What has been the number one problem with China taking over the entire world? Obviously, it is the ability to move huge amounts of troops across the ocean and invade the United States. In the movie Red Dawn they snuck a godzillion Chinese into Mexico and invaded from the south. The premise of that movie might be totally ridiculous but this new immigration threat is not.

I mean seriously the Chinese military think tank was probably sitting around one day and thinking of ways to get their vast armies onto our shores. Throwing out ideas like giant hover crafts, and huge alien cities to transport troops and then the new guy pipes up and says "Hey, why don't we just send them to America through the immigration process."

Total silence followed by little tyrants high-fiving each other.

If you think the Zombie Apocalypse is a scary thought think about all those Chinese restaurant workers coming at you in a tide of yellow butcher knives chopping you to bits and giving new meaning to the words: Sum Yum Gui. Beware my friends. It was bad enough that Mexico was annexing California and Texas beneath our very eyes but this Red Communist threat is really scary!

Click here to read more issues of the Waffles Report.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Waffles Report: H.P. Lovecraft, Fact or Fiction?

The icons of truth like myself need to be careful.

We report to you on all manners including government cover-ups, (impending) alien invasion, and general evil intentions. One thing that these powerful groups have in common is that they do not like being discovered. Especially in the case of aliens with super advanced technology, their discovery could cause some issues.

I have been reading the book The Best of HP Lovecraft and I have to say that his writing is so real and tied into what we know about alien conspiracies these days that you have to consider him one of the first beacons of light in the history of bringing the truth to the Sheeple.

Back in Lovecraft's time it was much easier for aliens to get you. With the low populations and the propensity toward religious violence, it was easy for the aliens to incite a crowd against you. The whole Salem Witchcraft trials might have been orchestrated by aliens who were spotted by common people. Instead of letting them spread the truth, they just yelled "Look a witch, she made my cows milk sour!" and the problem was promptly taken care of.

If you have not read any of Lovecraft, I suggest you do. It has all the common themes of the current aliens visiting our planet. It has Cthulhu and his ilk in vast underwater cities.

He touches his story by saying they are trapped under the sea possibly by another alien race. We all know that aliens frequently build their bases under the ocean for privacy reasons.

He talks about giant plant people from Pluto who use mind control and fear to mine precious minerals from the Earth to bring back to their home world. Totally in line with some of the alien tactics we have seen in modern times, although these days it is easier to bribe governments for what they need.

I truly believe that Lovecraft was either an alien, or one of the first human warriors spreading the truth about those among us. I say he may have been an alien because... well have you seen a picture of the guy? He does not look exactly human.

There is something off about Lovecraft. He disguised his truths as fiction and warned us of the alien sympathizer cults that surround us today. He is a true hero and should be honored as such.

Click here to read more issues of the Waffles Report.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Waffles Report: Cloud of Doom

Do you idiots even listen to me?

I swear it is so hard always being right. Remember when I told you the cloud was just a CIA plot to get your information easier? Well, I was right again.

I mean, think about it. When computers first came out we had "The Cloud".... it was called a mainframe and we dialed up to it on 300 baud modems. Our internet porn took over an hour to download and was probably not even close to a megapixel. Everything existed on centralized servers... or a cloud... until people decided that it would be much smarter to distribute computing, have processors on every desk and if you need more power then add some more cheap, small, computers.

Now, all of the sudden we are back to centralized computing and storage on the cloud? If that was not a CIA plot then I have no idea what one looks like. So, be careful out there. Know the CIA is looking at those nude pics you sent that chick you met in a chat room last Thursday. They have seen all the emails you sent to your mistress while your fat ass wife was watching the seventeen children you had.

They are like motherfucking Santa Claus -- they know when you have been naughty and nice -- and they will use it against you.

Combine the Apple iPhone Zombie mind control protocols with the cloud and the CIA does not even have to get off their asses to do anything. You know you have seen it. People everywhere walking around with their big noses glued to the iPhone, not watching where they are going, in a pacified state. You people are doomed. I am glad I am the last human on the planet without a cell phone.

Click here to read more issues of the Waffles Report.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Waffles Report: The Mittens Prophecy Proven

I have to say Obama was pretty gutsy for coming out for gay marriage in an election year. I think Mitt "Mittens" Romney was creaming in his pants yesterday. This confirms my previous reports about Mittens being the Bringer of Doom and the White Horse of the Mormon Apocalyptic Prophecies!

Putting all the issues involved aside, does any incumbent President make such a controversial statement like gay marriage in an election year? These guys are afraid to even negotiate with other countries or make any kind of stand during the elections. After they win the election, those sleazebags will do whatever they want and say whatever they feel like. But during the run-up to an election, anything slightly controversial is not spoken of.

So how could Obama have made such a blunder?

Mr. Smooth Cat himself. Mittens, the penultimate political machine. He's the guy who got a black guy elected as president.

How does Obama make such a basic mistake? Does he just not give a shit? Are his morals more important than a second term as President? Fuck no, he wants this more than anything.

I believe a more sinister force is at work making sure the Mittens Prophecies come true. So if you know any Mormons make damn well sure you are nice to them because when they become the Masters of our world you do not want to be the guy who laughed at them and called them polygamist rapist scumbags.

Click here to read more issues of the Waffles Report.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Waffles Report: Cats Are Alien Spies

Did you realize that cats are really the spies that the aliens left to keep tabs on us?

I mean why else would you feel love and devotion to such an incredible prick of an animal? If you had a friend that only came up to you when they were hungry or wanted sex and ignored the rest of the time would you feel love for them? Second thought this sounds like every relationship that women have ever had.

The only plausible explanation for this is that aliens visited Earth during our Neanderthal years and started experimenting with the human race. These experiments caused the extinction of the Neanderthal and the rapid expansion of our race. During this genetic tinkering they added a chromosome that caused our irrational dedication to cats. At this point in time, they could not leave cats with us as we would probably eat them. However, they had plans...

Fast forward to the Egyptian era and the second coming of the Aliens. At this time, humans were smart enough to be able to take care of our alien overlord spies. So the aliens returned to check on our growth. They tampered with us a little more... just adding some additional needed tweaks. At this time, they instilled cats as "divine gods." Seeding all the great empires with cat spies.

To this day, our cat spies report back to the alien overlords on our progress. Why do you think cats are so curious? A natural animal trait?

No, they are fucking spying on you.

If they "accidentally" walk in on you taking a shit they are really sending porn pictures back to the Motherships. Drinking your toilet water is really sampling your DNA. Cats are constantly reporting back so the aliens can decide when the next intervention in human history is needed.

The awesome part about this is... YOU CAN NOT DO A FUCKING THING ABOUT IT!

It is coded into your DNA. Sure, there are some genetic freaks that hate cats, but these people will be flushed from society at the next coming. You are genetically programmed to love these fucking hypocritical, scumbag, animals!

Oh shit, gotta go, my cat just walked in...

Click here to read more issues of the Waffles Report.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Waffles Report: Dick Cheney Supposition

Normally, when I bring a Waffles Report to you, I do hours of research, pouring over facts, and tracing down every scrap of information to ensure the validity of the content. I take the process of fact checking very seriously so that our "enemies" can not use any mistakes against us.

For this post, however, I am only using my knowledge of the parties involved and speculating on the content. While I believe this is factual, I can not 100% verify it through any of my independent sources.

Have you read the recent news of Dick Cheney's heart transplant?

Obviously for rich, old men there are hearts just lying all over the place. I suspect that overseas organ banks exist for this express purpose.

I do not think Dick Cheney would want to taint his true blue American-Texan blood with some foreign import though so I suppose that something like the following must have happened.
CIA Thug #1: Derp. Mr. Cheney here is your dead body. He was some hitchhiking hippie liberal from some commie college campus like Cal Berkeley.

Cheney: WHAT! Will you look at this! What the hell!!

CIA Thug #1: What is wrong Mr. Cheney?

Cheney: YOU STABBED THIS PINKO LIBERAL THROUGH THE FUCKING HEART! I need the goddamn heart for my transplant, you fucking moron!

CIA Thug #1: I told you not to stab his heart!

CIA Thug #2: Erm, Sorry boss.

Cheney: Never mind that. There are plenty of liberals out there. Go get me another one! This time make sure his heart is good! No pot toking liberal turds this time alright?

CIA Thug #1: On it right now, Chief! We can grab some feisty kid from Occupy. We make them disappear all the time.

Cheney: Good. Good boys. Now get out of here. Go ahead and grab a raw steak on the way out.

CIA Thug #1 & #2 (Wagging in happiness): Thank you sir! Thank you Mr. Cheney Sir!

Cheney: Dems good boys. Makes me cry to see such good Americans in action.
While all of this is just supposition on my part we all know it is most likely the way it happened. I will continue to keep you informed and up to date with any breaking news. Waffles out.

Click here to read more issues of the Waffles Report.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Waffles Report: Fan Death

If bodies are exposed to electric fans or air conditioners for too long, it causes [the] bodies to lose water and [causes] hypothermia. If directly in contact with [air current from] a fan, this could lead to death from [an] increase of carbon dioxide saturation concentration [sic] and decrease of oxygen concentration. The risks are higher for the elderly and patients with respiratory problems. From 2003 [to] 2005, a total of 20 cases were reported through the CISS involving asphyxiations caused by leaving electric fans and air conditioners on while sleeping. To prevent asphyxiation, timers should be set, wind direction should be rotated and doors should be left open. - Source Wikipedia

Never. Sleeping. With. My. Fan. On. Again.

Click here to read more issues of the Waffles Report.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Waffles Report - TSA: Poor Reasoning Skills

Might as well go for the fucking TSA trifecta baby!

Have you heard that the TSA will now stop screening old people thoroughly?

This is so wrong on so many levels I barely know where to start. First of all, they are going on the assumption that old people are all kind and friendly like. Have you ever met someone over 75 years old? I mean seriously, if you can stand the smell of old death and decaying flesh, then you should try and meet one. These people are more bat shit crazy and angry than any Allah loving terrorist will ever be! The stereotypical "GET OFF MY LAWN!!" comes from a deep well of anger and resentment these people have for their entire fucked-up, sheeple lives. If ANYONE is going to get pissed off on a plane it is one of these walking zombies!

Secondly, if you wanted to hide some lumpy, explosive material where the fuck better place to hide it then on some fucking old lumpy person? Have you seen what happens to women's tits when they get old? I mean you could pack enough C4 in the space taken up by an old broads saggy pancakes to take down a fleet of 747's. Do not even get me started with the ball sacks of old dudes either.

I do not think you could design a better place to hide things than an old person. Every inch is flabby, disgusting, bulging sacks of skin that could be used to hide anything. I am sure old people are constantly reaching into some pocket of decrepit skin and saying "Ahhh yeah, that's where I put my dentures."

Also have any of you seen the show Jackass? You remember when Johnny Knoxville dressed up as an old guy? How about Rob Dyrdek? You think terrorists have no access to disguises? Especially considering my point above they could make a gigantic old bomb terrorist easily. The TSA will just let them slip right through because old people are no threat to security. Are you fucking kidding me?

Keep coming up with these great ideas TSA, and Waffles will be there to show the world how stupid you really are.

Click here to read more issues of the Waffles Report.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Waffles Report: Are You Fucking Kidding, TSA?

Do the people at the TSA think we are fucking stupid? Have you read this recent story?

Let's review the facts. The TSA is getting a ton of heat about their body scanners and perverted employees getting free peep shows off pretty women. The organization is also under fire for spending a ton of tax payer money on the scanners which have been proven to be ineffective. Everyone knows that the money spent was just a payback for political favor to some rich motherfucker.

The stupid scanners have also been shown to expose people to poisonous levels of radiation. The TSA hires morons and pedophiles to man their stations. They are under fire from every direction.

Now, the TSA expects us to believe that at the exact same time as a damning video comes out condemning the scanners once again that they all of a sudden saved some guys life? Are you fucking kidding me?

If this is not a total setup in which they paid this guy a shit ton of money then the TSA slipped something in his drink to GIVE him a heart attack so they could miraculously save him. Do you really think we are that stupid TSA?

You fucking toolbags.

Keep vigilant my friends and do not fall for these pathetic sheeple tricks.

Click here to read more issues of the Waffles Report.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Waffles Report: TSA: Trash Security Agency

I swear if I was as incompetent as the TSA then Tao of Fear's half-baked editor would have fired my ass a long time ago. What the fuck is wrong with these people? A guy by the name of Jon Corbett exposes a huge hole in the TSA's security. If you had half a brain and someone exposed a security flaw in your system would you:
A. Pretend it Never Happened
B. Threaten the United States press if they dared to report on it
C. Fix your fucking problem!!?!?!
Obviously if you are the morons at the TSA, then you would threaten the press! What kind of fucking bullshit is -- the TSA is now "strongly cautioning" journalists against covering the story?

Seriously is this still the mother fucking U S of A? Do you fucking TSA pricks think you own this country? Is that because you do? I mean what the fuck is going on here?

Every one of you fucking retards in the TSA should be fired right now. Do not even get me started on the fucking premise of your whole "organization." I mean who the fuck is the politician who says "Hey, let's find the best and brightest people to protect the airline industry and pay them two bucks an hour!"?

The hard-up people that will accept two bucks an hour are fucking crack heads and child perverts that like the body scanners. Are you fucking kidding me? Why don't you hire some people who are NOT stoned all fucking day to screen and feel-up people?

A friend of mine was just returning from Atlantic City and she went through the vaunted TSA security... with... a SWITCH BLADE in her fucking purse! If you can not stop a Sicilian with a fucking switch blade who the hell are you going to stop? She is not the only one either.

Holy fuck have you read the TSA response too? I mean really? "Things that go boom?" Was that a joke? Do we really trust our national security let alone our footwear to these morons?

As far as I can tell super models with big tits are the only ones being stopped. Fucking retarded TSA agents just shoot yourselves and the airports of American will be 100% safer.

Click here to read more issues of the Waffles Report.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Waffles Report: Mittens the Bringer of Doom

I keep thinking about the Mitten Prophecies I wrote about on Tao Of Fear a little while ago. I always thought that we would be destroyed by someone named Beelzebub, Khali, or Cthulhu.

But Mittens the Destroyer of Worlds? If I was an evil overlord I would definitely kill you with Mittens because it kind of rubs it in.

If you need any further proof of the prophecies, then look at the elections. The conservatives calling the shots in the GOP party is putting all its money on a guy who's name is synonymous with gay people. Fuck kittens and dogs raining from the sky, the religious right supporting Santorum is hilariously appropriate for the end of the world.

As a long-time Massachusetts resident, I have to admit I am proud that a former Massachusetts Governor is going to be responsible for the end of the world. Go Bawwwston!

Click here to read more issues of the Waffles Report.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Waffles Report: Have The Mayan Aliens Returned?

Could this photo be of Mayan Aliens beaming into their laboratories as they plan the destruction of the Earth, or some far worse demented alien sex thing?

The authorities claim that this photo is just a "glitch" but I am not sure.

We need to keep watch at other pyramid sites and look for other strange occurrences. Our alien overlords may have returned and what that will mean for us is still unknown.

Click here to read more issues of the Waffles Report.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Waffles Report: The White Horse Rides Again

A friend of mine from work brought the Mormon prophecy of The White Horse to my attention. The gist of "The White Horse Prophecy" is that...
"...when the Constitution of the United States hangs, as it were, upon a single thread, they will have to call for the 'Mormon' Elders to save it from utter destruction; and they will step forth and do it." (Journal of Discourses 2:182; also Discourses of Brigham Young, 361)
Essentially, it says that the United States Constitution will be destroyed, which is happening right now, and then a Mormon will become president (President Mittens?) and the U.S. will then become a Mormon theocracy. I think it also mentions the end of the world too, which coincidentally coincides with the end of the Mayan calendar.

Can all of these seemingly random occurrences we see today be coming together to form the Mormon States of America? And will that lead to the eventual end of the world? I am not sure if this is the case, but these Mormon prophecies are certainly strange...

Click here to read more issues of the Waffles Report.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Waffles Report: The New World

I just do not understand the new world.

It used to be that when a kid went to school with a butter knife, he was not expelled. I think the next logical step is jailing the children for carrying plastic knives at school. After that we can just jail everyone with bad genes preemptively. Certainly that would solve the redneck teen pregnancy problem.

I read a story today about a kid getting two years in jail. What for? Downloading manuals on how to create bombs and a poison called ricin. I guess I grew up in a different time. Does anyone remember Anarchy Magazine? It was a publication dedicated to hacking, phreaking, and making all kinds of weird devices including bombs. It was sold in Book Stores like Barnes and Noble. You can even buy the Anarchists Cookbook from them to this day.

Nobody ever acquired this information to actually blow people up. It was the essence of innovation. People interested in how you do things. How the world works. Occasionally you would use something in there to get a free phone call or have a coke machine spit out change for you.. but usually you were just interested in information.

I thought the law was about intent and action. I would have thought that a young kid would have to at least buy materials for a bomb before he could get two years hard time. I really do not understand this world. Have we all become such cowards that we have to jump at every shadow?

Give me the good old days anytime. Waffles is so tired of The Man.

Click here to read more issues of the Waffles Report.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Waffles Report: Watch Youself, Mr. Mittens

I know I have not been around much lately, but I am still lurking and watching. I am usually not much into politics because obviously the country is really run by a clandestine group of rich people. The politicians you vote for mean nothing at all. If you do not realize this, then you have not been reading this blog.

I have been following closely the rise of Mitt Romney. He is winning in states he should not be. He looks for a lock for the republican nomination and President Obama should be extremely easy to defeat this year.

I also have been looking at the undercurrents. It is obvious that the powers that be do not want Romney elected. You see it every day in the mainstream news. People trying to smear his campaign, make him look foolish, make him look like a heathen. Just recently, a reputable site asked if people thought his first name was Mittens. Subtle undermining of confidence in him. Just ask the guy next to you if they think Mittens is going to win. They will know EXACTLY who you are talking about and only the Japanese would want a President named Mittens.

Initially, Mitt Romney did not make me nervous. He has been a perennial loser in the Presidential carousel. He has never been able to win in the important states. However, with his recent success in Iowa and New Hampshire, I have become very afraid.

You might ask "What are you afraid of?"

I will tell you. I am afraid for Mitt Romney.

The powers that control this country WILL NOT accept a Mormon as President. I believe that a few months after he takes office he will be shot dead. Do not believe me? Just look what happened when a Catholic had the audacity to be President.

Once Mitt is out of the way, his Vice President will take over. The guy who he ran with because advisers told him, "You need the conservative partner to carry the middle states." You know. The one the people in power put in place. The one they really want to be President. Watch as my prediction comes true. It is easy to see if you follow the currents of power.

Click here to read more issues of the Waffles Report.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Waffles Report: Testing the Emergency Alert System Or Something Else?

The government is going to do the first ever Presidential alert system test, or so they say. What could they really be doing with this test on Wednesday, November 11th at 2 P.M. ET?

Every sheeple in every household across America will be hit by this broadcast. Has the government finally gotten fed up with the Occupy movement? Is this a giant subliminal mind bomb?

Every television, radio, and other transmitting device will ring out at the same time. It is the perfect way to shoot out mind control suggestions. Look at the news following this test.

Do you suddenly see more people angry with the Occupy movement? Are Republicans suddenly more popular? Do you want to go to Bank of America and open an account?

We have to be vigilant to these insidious tactics and figure out what the payload is. I suggest you stay away from all electronics on this day!

Click here to read more issues of the Waffles Report.