Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Waffles Report: Cats Are Alien Spies

Did you realize that cats are really the spies that the aliens left to keep tabs on us?

I mean why else would you feel love and devotion to such an incredible prick of an animal? If you had a friend that only came up to you when they were hungry or wanted sex and ignored the rest of the time would you feel love for them? Second thought this sounds like every relationship that women have ever had.

The only plausible explanation for this is that aliens visited Earth during our Neanderthal years and started experimenting with the human race. These experiments caused the extinction of the Neanderthal and the rapid expansion of our race. During this genetic tinkering they added a chromosome that caused our irrational dedication to cats. At this point in time, they could not leave cats with us as we would probably eat them. However, they had plans...

Fast forward to the Egyptian era and the second coming of the Aliens. At this time, humans were smart enough to be able to take care of our alien overlord spies. So the aliens returned to check on our growth. They tampered with us a little more... just adding some additional needed tweaks. At this time, they instilled cats as "divine gods." Seeding all the great empires with cat spies.

To this day, our cat spies report back to the alien overlords on our progress. Why do you think cats are so curious? A natural animal trait?

No, they are fucking spying on you.

If they "accidentally" walk in on you taking a shit they are really sending porn pictures back to the Motherships. Drinking your toilet water is really sampling your DNA. Cats are constantly reporting back so the aliens can decide when the next intervention in human history is needed.

The awesome part about this is... YOU CAN NOT DO A FUCKING THING ABOUT IT!

It is coded into your DNA. Sure, there are some genetic freaks that hate cats, but these people will be flushed from society at the next coming. You are genetically programmed to love these fucking hypocritical, scumbag, animals!

Oh shit, gotta go, my cat just walked in...

Click here to read more issues of the Waffles Report.


  1. Yes, I knew it all along and I'm on to their game - My allergy is really just a genetic mutation brought about by the need for the human race to keep on trucking without interference.

    It's a good thing that me and 10,000 Chinese restaurants are trying to help bring an end to their oppressive state - General Tso's kitty kitty taste better anyways

  2. What does that make me if I'm a cat whisperer? I have the inate ability to commune with cats. I truly get them and not in an animal hoarders kind of way. Perhaps I am of the mixed alien race? Maybe if I smoke enough DMT the mothership will come to take me home? Gotta run time to send out my spies Jordan and Bailey on a mission

  3. If you had a friend that only came up to you when they were hungry or wanted sex and ignored the rest of the time would you feel love for them?

    So, you took this girl you took to dinner the other night ... and ... well ... 1 out of 2 is better than you usually score.

  4. It has been said that the original meaning of Armageddon/Apocalypse, is the lifting of the veil. It means metaphorically that humanity will receive knowledge that had been withheld from them.

    Yet the deeper meaning to this metaphor revealing of Armageddon/apocalypse, is that this lifting of the veil is not only the removing of an overhead skyline illusion which will reveal celestial worlds of advance technology and elevated city dwellings long since hidden in upper skies from humanity … BUT … also the failing of power sources, and the falling from place of those celestial worlds which are hidden in the extending upper 4 inner-dimensional skylines hidden in the Earth’s ionosphere ( the four layers of the Earth's upper atmosphere) which are also referred as heavens … in this light of knowing Armageddon/apocalypse will be when skyline worlds collide as the skies do fall … and this process has begun
    2 Corinthians 12:2 I knew a man in Christ above fourteen years ago, ° (whether in the body, I cannot tell; or whether out of the body, I cannot tell: God knoweth;) such an one caught up to the third heaven.