I have found this new game called Angry Birds. My wonderful children brought it home. They were having problems with solving some of the levels, so I had to help them. It is a very nice game about some Evil Pigs who did something wrong... I can not actually figure out what they did but it made the birds very angry. So, the pigs built bomb shelters and the birds are trying to kill the pigs.
There are a lot of different kinds of birds that you can use:
Small Red Bird - He is like a rock. You just kind of throw him at stuff and hope it falls down and crushes the pigs.Anyway, Angry Birds is a wonderful game and everyone should be playing it. Since nothing bad or scary is going on in the world, I have been spending a lot of time playing this. Everything is well. Watch sitcoms. Buy a cell phone. You have nothing to worry about. Play Angry Birds. You will be assimilated.
Big Red Bird - This is a fatter version of the small bird. He does the same kind of thing but can push larger objects.
Yellow Kamikaze - This bird can be thrown in the air and then when you tell him to he speeds up to supersonic speed and smashes everything in his path. He is not very effective against stone but he smashes wooden objects easily.
Three Little Birdies - These cute birds launch as a single blue ball then you tell them to split and they become three little bombs. They do not do much damage but are good for breaking up ice barriers.
KAPOW Bird - This dude is awesome. He's a bomb. You toss him into a structure and after a few seconds he explodes causing massive damages. He is my favorite one.
Egg Bomber - This is another fat ass bird. He drops eggs that explode and hurt things. Also, if you tell him to drop eggs from low altitude he will go shooting off from that point and can push a lot of material around.
Australian A-hole Bird - This is a goofy looking bird that acts like a boomerang. I hate this A-hole bird. He is extremely hard to use with good accuracy. Usually, I just suicide him into things.
Editors Note: Waffles has been sent to an off site deprogramming safe house. Our work here is fraught with perils as we strive to bring him to his senses. Occasionally, one of our own succumbs to the nefarious schemes of our enemies and gets brainwashed in the process of conducting thorough field research. He should be alright in a few days, and he will return to his hard-nosed journalistic, ranting self.